So, Iâve been doing jack shit for a very, very long time. Between the campaign, my book projects, my alcoholism and my job and my alcoholism, Iâve had very little time for this internet thing. And as if matters werenât bad enough, now I have some trollâs assassins after me because I deleted one of his posts on my forums. So, since Iâm imminently going to be set up the bomb, fired on by a laser or troutkrieged, or whatever it is idiots do to their victims, I only have time to tell you about what I may do if I survive his wrath.
Oklahoma Leafblower Massacre:
A bus of horny college kids breaks down in Oklahoma. Some hick attacks and kills some of them, but they manage to set him on fire. He dives into his cheap sofa to douse the flames and when he rises he is the arch-killer known as Pleatherface. Searching through his yard full of busted implements he finds that the only tool he has that works and at least sounds intimidating is a leafblower. He finds creative ways to kill them with this item. He also makes their shirts/skirts blow around and a good time is had by all. Coming summer 2009.
More of Worlds Beyond Belief
Remember that awful sci fi novel I was writing that no one cared about? Iâll write more of that!
Pathetic, tardy Halloween articles!
Yeah, with the election being right after Halloween and me volunteering in a prime battle ground state (which we won!) Scary Week didnât happen. But there are still articles for it and they will be posted at some point in time. At least one of them will have something to do with scary stuff!
Co-op article with Chyld
There will be at least one "cooperative"* article with Chyld, featuring pictures and a briefcase full of money, maybe.
*When I say cooperative, I mean the kind of cooperation that occurred in that episode of G I Joe where Cobra Commander and Duke get stuck in a jungle together. You know, the kind of cooperation that inevitably ends in betrayal at the opportune moment.
More Liquor and Cereal Articles
What will I mix next? It is part of the mystery. It sure as hell cant be worse than the Goldschlager Cinnamon Toast Crunch though.
A Totally new fucking site
Yeah. If you hadn't noticed the old site has been haxxored by Chyld, who is now my personal property. He updates the new site, which is a dot com. No banners or anything except for a paid advertisement for the prestigious firm Latex Implement. See what all my articles look like now that theyâre on pages that donât suck! In theaters right fucking now!