What I know About Scary Go Round

It has apparently been postulated on the internet that my current favorite comic, Scary Go Round, is hard to get into due to the intricate plot and lengthy backstory. This is because Americans are pathologically incapable of understanding art due to years of their brains sponging up sitcoms featuring one dimensional characters and recycled jokes. Also, because it has an intricate plot and lengthy backstory, but also that other one. Yes.

So, as a service to humanity, and in the hopes that it will get John Allison to finally let me buy that Wales Is Ok tee he has hidden in a safe deposit box somewhere, I'm going to summarize the plot of SGR, whose archives, up to mid 2008, I read in two single nights a long time ago.

But, you ask, where is the humor? Where is the belated scary week article you promised?

Shut up.

If I talk about something that is funny, and has scary in its name, it's very much like a humorous update, in that you can go and read the comic, and that will be funny. It's humor by proxy, is what I'm saying. And if I post it around Halloweenish, that is to say, during the winter, it's like a Halloween update. So there ya go.

Also, I will not permit myself to re-read the comic, as to do so would be like cheating. So you all can come to the forums later and laugh and tell me how wrong my continuity was regarding Krakkagar's appearances, or something. Anyone who does may receive a fantastic pineapple!

Let's start out with character profiles. Spoilers abound.

The sort of evil journalist girl:
She is the first character to appear in the comic, probably. She likes biscuits. Later she will have Shelly killed, because she is sort of evil, but until then she solves mysteries!

The professor:
He is Amy's dad, and his hamster gives voice to pent up sexual deviance. I would like it if his hamster was on Hamtaro.

The girl who is the evil journalist's friend:
She follows the sort of evil journalist like a lost puppy. Sometimes she is scared by the things they encounter because she does not have satan watching her back.

Satan:
He is the devil, but he isn't too tough. I think he is the elevator repairman, but there was some confusion of identities. Kaiser Soze style and all that.

Amy
She is a dirty girl who lives like a boy. Could she really be a boy? Not likely given the number of boys she has sex with. But then, Oscar Wilde and Allen Ginsberg were boys who had lots of sex with boys. Maybe she is one of them. But her poetry is not as good.

Shelly Winters
Shelly is my dream girl, in the sense that I have very strange dreams. She died once or twice because her spritely form affords her little constitution, but then she got better because she keeps a positive attitude. Why does she get into so much trouble? Maybe it is because she is made almost entirely of pure whimsy.

Ryan Beckwith
I remember Ryan's last name! He is a civilized cave man with stubble, so you can tell him apart from the other boy. He also has a friend who is a bat, and later a comradde who is a bat. Is Ryan or his bat a communist? Maybe! He has lots of love troubles because his girlfriends always get killed or are french.

Tim Jones
Tim is a renaissance man who invents things and seized control of Tackleford once. His inventions offer lots of plot devices and I think Amy liked him once, but then he got involved with an evil girl who abducted him to Wales.

The Boy
He is a boy who went to France once, and now he's sort of the star of the show. Hopefully he will not let fame go to his head. He already developed a name, which I think is too much for him.

Dark Esther
She was a goth but now she isnt too gothy anymore. She goes out with the boy and probably made him The Man while they stayed together in Wales.

Moon
She is an oceanography student who interned at evil island, then she started working for the guy that reminds me of Hemingway

The Guy That Reminds Me Of Hemingway
He is an old sea captain and has an anchor instead of a spine because of the Falklands war, which was a British war over a rock in the atlantic ocean that they thought was their rock and Argentina said wasn't. I think the place belongs to puffins now.

Desmond Fish Man
He is just sort of a green fishy man who almost sort of summoned a portal between hell and earth, but it wasn't his fault.

Hugo
Hugo is black, which makes him somewhat an anomaly in webcomics. Multicultural representation is good though, especially when it is a man of french colonial island ancestry who is very much into business schemes and using interesting variations on English language.

Bob Crowley
He was the principle of tackleford high school for a while due to inderdimensional hijinx. He is the wickedest man in the world and he wears all black with a red tie. I think he would have been a nice principle.

Mini Winters
She is Shelly's little sister who sometimes is bothered by her sister's whimsy. She liked The Boy for a while but then Bob Crowley hypnotized her so she followed him to Hell and was never heard from again.

Fallon
She spies sometimes and got killed a few times. I think she went with Tim maybe? She does not make her spy bosses happy, hence why she gets killed so much. She is the nemesis of the people of evil island, and sometimes will help Shelly in her schemes against the portuguese man-o-war. Her house is often invaded by ninja.

The Saddest Wookie
Is he a fictional creation of Shelly's or more? It is unknown, but he appears occasionally when Shelly's Starwars fiction is mentioned. The MI6 guys who handle Spy Girl read about him, so it is plausible that his next appearance will be in a battle to the death with James Bond.

Monsters:

There are a lot of monsters in Scary Go Round. Tackleford probably has the most monsters per capita of any city not built on an indian burial ground. As Shelly says, "You can be run over by a skellington driving a taxi in Leeds or Hull too, but tackleford is pleasantly upfront about it.

Skellingtons
Shelly makes frequent reference to them, but they're almost always dead rather than undead. I expect her to meet one soon though, because Allison is quickly shrinking the list of monsters he hasn't tapped.

Little vampire guy
He is a little vampire guy who chases Amy and Shelly while they vacation in Romania. What else they expected from vacationing in Romania I don't know.

The gas boy.
He is a boy made out of gas who kills people sometimes and probably peeks in on girls too. He gets beaten by the evil girl and her sidekick.

Krakkagar
He is a big black shiney horned beetle who does not like Shelly, but then, like everyone else, he learns to love her.

The ghosts
There are a lot of ghosts in one story arc that chase Amy around because of a family curse, I think. They get better though.

The Child
He is a small boy who is maybe the antichrist or something, and has a strange parental figure who is sinister and never shown. The parent may be a cult leader from a previous episode.

The Necromantis
I really like the necromantis. He has his own musical scene built around him featuring artists like Dethspazm and Gorecasio. He will put a feeler up your bum, and he likes pepperoni, but he is not very evil for a sentient necromantic praying mantis.

Devil Bear
A bear that hung out with Jimi Hendrix and then got warped by drugs and evil. He eats goblins and milk men now. It will eat you.

Portuguese Man O War
He is a jellyfish that does not like Shelly, or humans. He decides to go sting everyone but squishes on the beach. Shelly bought an underwater spy scooter in her efforts to stop him.

Wendigo
He was the Easter Bunny for a while, but then I think some Yaks killed him. No, wait, it was the Easter Bell. The Easter Bell is tough. He came from Canada like most evil things.

Death
Ryan's French girlfriend becomes a grim reaper and meets Death. Death is not shown when Shelly dies, because I think she would have been too cute and death would have died. That would have been a strange aeon.

Now, see, that's easy to remember isn't it? Shelly is cute, Canada breeds wendigoey evil, and the boy is a boy. So now theres no excuse not to read Scary Go Round.