Deaucon's Worst Erotic Fan Fiction

The latest spawn of the Fully Ramblo forums to invade the internet at large, Deuacon, visited Jelly Pufflemur's forums recently to post some pictures of Goku or something. He was surprised when they got deleted, and put all of that raw emotion into the best possible venu for it: Harry Potter slash fic.

Although it is poorly written, it is also the only entry into my worst erotic fanfic competition, and therefore Deuacon wins by default. Here is his entry, along with some helpful advice for him so his erotic fanfic can gel better with the canon.

Everybody's favourite and only Ginger Wizard from Nevada(1) has been found dead at his local playground. Eye witness reports that he was drunk and shouting "smacktards everywhere" before he collapsed on(2) his own vomit which contained recycled jokes that were never funny in the first place.

After he was helped to his feet by a group of kindergarteners(3) he then proceeded to hump a hole in the ground which he had dug up the previous hour(4) until he died from heat aspiration(5). He was then revived by an Icelander's love juice(6) and after was able to give us an almost coherent comment about "smacktards everywhere" and something about a sexualized donkey.(7)

I decided to post this here because JMH(8) has started to delete all posts that make him look like a fool...(9) not that this makes him look like a fool(10) but you never know when that crazy fuck will abuse his powers again(11) while pretending that he has a sense of humour and a pair of cojones.(12)

Editor's notes:

  1. Everyone's favorite ginger wizard is actually from Ottery St. Catchpole
  2. Collapsing "on" something requires that it supports you, and you remain seperate from it. Vomit is typically liquid, and as such the proper term would be "in" I suspect magic was involved.
  3. The proper term is "first years" Hogwarts doesn't have a kindergarten class.
  4. Possibly the "he" refers to Albus Dumbledore who Voldemort had indeed dug up in the seventh book. The necrophilia angle is appreciated for its depravity.
  5. Heat aspiration may be an ailment in the Rawling canon, but I have never heard of it either in the Harry Potter lexicon or in daily medical use. The author should further explain the condition.
  6. No known characters are Icelandic in origin, it is possible that this is a Deus Ex Machina. Although this opens up a plot hole, as the story opens with Ron being found dead. Did he die later? Perhaps, the story ends on an ominous note. More below...
  7. Possibly one of Hagrid's creatures.
  8. Perhaps a reference to Voldemort and his preference for re-arranging letters.
  9. This one should be safe then.
  10. See?
  11. Probably another reference to Voldemort, holding up the possibility that he was not in fact finally killed. He could return to abuse his powers again.
  12. The author's foreshadowing about Voldemort's future abuse of power and his testicles is clearly leading up to a sequel. I look forward to reading it, and so should you!